Yielding the Floor

by Suanne Camfield

I recently attended a workshop in which the facilitator had all the elements of a great communicator -she was knowledgeable, passionate, empathetic and fun, and worked the room with ease. More so than wanting to absorb the content, I simply delighted in each moment I spent in her presence.

At the end of the day, as she was giving her concluding remarks, a woman in the audience raised her hand and asked if she could share something with the group. In all honesty, I thought the interruption was a bit disrespectful, if not borderline rude. The speaker's response, however, was one of the most counter-intuitive things I'd ever seen. Not only did she grant the woman's request, she did it with such graceful open-handedness that it left me shaking my head in awe.

"I'll gladly yield the floor to you," she said. And then with a small bow and wave of her arm, like she was welcoming a guest into her home, she stepped aside.

Beautiful, I thought. Absolutely gorgeous.

Let's face it-in a culture that eagerly stakes its territory around position, individuality and achievement, "yielding the floor" is not exactly a phrase that's sweeping the nation. I concede that there are times when holding firm in our convictions is the most courageous thing we can do, but the opportunities to put aside our own agenda for the benefit of others, as it turns out, is pretty limitless. Since the day I watched that speaker yield her floor, I've attempted (and failed) to do it as often as I can in my own life.

Here's just a few ways I've tried:

In my everyday. Taking a half-step back (instead of forward) so the business man who tried to edge me out at the barista can order first anyway. Waiting a few extra seconds to hold the door for the harried woman behind me even though I'm running late myself. Picking up my kid's towel from the bathroom floor even though I've asked him a zillion times to hang it up himself. Mustering a smile for the unfriendly customer service rep who, regardless of my inconvenience, is just trying to get through the day.

In my relationships. Picking up my phone when a friend needs to talk even though it means sacrificing the time I finally carved out just for me; listening openly to my faults, refusing defensiveness and extending forgiveness even when I'm certain I'm "right." Giving those closest to me permission to speak truth in my life when I'd rather amble along pretending my flaws aren't that big of a deal.

In my leadership. Resolving conflict directly and timely instead of grumbling behind closed doors. Asking for constructive feedback (and being ready to receive it) from those on my team and making adjustments accordingly. Accepting my limitations and surrounding myself with others whose strengths are not my own. Championing those who could realistically do my job (perhaps even better than I can do it myself), taking time to develop their gifts and making room for them to lead.

Yielding the floor to others, especially on the important stuff, may feel a bit like shaky territory. But, then again, maybe it should. The more I've practiced it, the more I've learned that these moments-the ones in which I intentionally choose to step aside, (teeth unclenched), wave a welcoming arm and gladly, graciously give permission for others to have the floor in my personal and professional life-is a character-shaping act of humility like few others.

Can you imagine doing it yourself? Next time someone wants to occupy the space that you think is rightfully yours-maybe even the space that you've undoubtedly earned -try to resist your instincts to squeeze a little tighter and instead try repeating these words: I'll gladly yield the floor to you.

Suanne Camfield is a writer, speaker and publicist. She is the blog manager for FullFill, founder of the Redbud Writers Guild and works at InterVarsity Press. Friend her on Facebook or follower her on Twitter @suannecamfield.

Being Abundantly For Other Women

By Margot Starbuck

My husband gives me the evil eye as I drink in a large gulp of store-brand orange juice. If there is an unwritten list of cardinal sins in our household-which I’m discovering there apparently is-drinking a large glass of orange juice, without being at death’s door from a vitamin C deficiency, is on it. Growing up as the youngest in his family, he was often shortchanged by thirsty older brothers. So, today, while he’s willing to overlook any household member sipping at a tiny glass of morning juice, a large glass at 4pm can still make him a little nutty. Both inside and outside of the kitchen, a lot of us-like my groom-operate out of a mentality of scarcity, rather than abundance.

Many of us even do it in our relationships with other women.

This is the only way I can explain how I felt when I recently saw that a popular clever female Christian blogger-like I’d be if I was popular and clever and paid any attention to my blog-had a single post which had been shared to facebook “282K” times. (Who knew that “K” was a thing that facebook’s share widget could even do?!) After doing the calculation-over ¼ million if you’re math-challenged-I started to feel a little panicky, like a failure, and quickly tried to find fault with aforementioned blogger. I wasn’t able to, but I certainly tried.

Mentality of scarcity.

No matter how you spend your days-whether you blog or craft, teach or sell, build or minister-it is tempting to be drawn into this devilish way of thinking. When you learn that a group of women friends had a girls’ night at the movies without inviting you, a mentality of scarcity can put you in a bad green-eyed place. With a mentality of abundance, though, you realize, “That sounds like fun. I wonder who else would like to do a girls’ night as much as I do? I’ll text them right now.”

To approach the world with an economy of abundance-one which trusts in a faithful Provider-is to be set free to be for other women. Specifically, we’re liberated as we act on that confidence: becoming share # 282,001 on the hot blog, buying something from the local Etsy crafter we admire, or sending a quick note of appreciation to the wildly patient supermom who has the nerve to look great in a bikini five months after the birth of baby #5.

Though it is an admittedly unlikely way, try living with a mentality of abundance when it comes to the women around you. . This week, live free.

Margot Starbuck is a communicator who is itchy to live out the kingdom Jesus ushered in. She’s planted in Durham, North Carolina with her husband Peter, their three children, and a faith community she cherishes. Visit her at www.margotstarbuck.com.

A Different Kind of Friendship

By Helen Lee

I have a confession: I often feel out of place in this world because the things I enjoy doing are contrary to that of many women I know. For example, my husband once bought me an expensive set of services at a local day spa for my birthday. Years went by and I never used that card--it ended up becoming worthless because the business closed its doors. There's more. I have to force myself to go clothes shopping because doing so feels like torture. And my introverted self would much rather be home alone than on a girls' night out. Over the years I have wondered, "Is something wrong with me? Why don't I pursue friendships like most other women I know?"

I wasn't always this way. Back when I was in college, I was the quintessential "cruise director" of the dorms I lived in. I was the one who knocked on every door to meet every person in the building. I was the one who said hello to every person I walked by and knew each resident's name. I was busy. I was active. I had numerous groups of friends. But what I learned from my college years is that merely doing things with people is no guarantee of a lasting friendship.

As I've gotten older and more cognizant of the limits of my time and energy, I have realized that meaningful friendships look very different from when I was young. I am not so interested in just hanging out and getting my nails done with other women--although I know that can be a point of true bonding for many. What I am interested in is connecting with other women who want to know my hopes and dreams for the future, who understand that I want to make a difference in the world, and who support and encourage those aspirations. An anti-clothes-shopping introvert I may be, but I also know that just as our triumvirate God lives in a community of three Persons, so are we created not to go it alone.

Friendship can take many forms. It can be strengthened in common experiences and activities, over a cup of coffee, in the mall, at the spa. But for some of us, friendships will emerge from dreaming big dreams together, from a common place of dissatisfaction with the status quo, from a shared desire to change the world and not merely subsist in it. If you are like me, seek relationships with those for whom this picture of friendship resonates. You may not have as many moments of "girl time" with them, but your heart, mind, and soul will be nourished by the presence of these women in your life. It's a different picture of friendship, but one no less worthwhile and meaningful.

Helen Lee is the author of The Missional Mom. You can connect with her on her Facebook page or at her website.

All Good Things, But..

By Carla Foote

All day Wednesday and all day Friday loom large with possibilities. I have voluntarily dropped my work responsibilities from a very full-time leadership position to a 20-hour-a- week job. The theory behind this change was to have time and space to focus on my physical, mental and spiritual health, and to focus my work on the very best use of my skills. I also want to be more available to new ways that God might use me in this season. All great thoughts as I have planned this transition for several months.

As of a few weeks ago, I have moved from theory to reality.

Now I need to decide what to do every Wednesday and Friday.

There is no shortage of ways to fill this time. I could certainly make a concerted effort to clean out 15 years of junk from my house (no, I'm not a hoarder, but there are definitely items in the house that are never used). I could paint some rooms that haven't seen a paint brush in more than 10 years. I could give all the surfaces a good cleaning. All good things.

I could pray more, exercise more, and connect in friendships that I have neglected in recent years due to time pressure. All good things.

I could volunteer for any number of good organizations. Or I could take up Spanish classes again. I could read more books or write more articles. All good things.

I have been observing some of my friends who do freelance work, wondering how best to structure my days. But then I recognize the importance of listening to my own calling and desires-which may be different from how others spend their time.

In the end, I've decided I want to implement enough structure-exercise first thing in the morning, take time for prayer every day, work at freelance writing and teaching opportunities at a measured pace-to  feel like I'm investing my time well, and enough flexibility to not feel scattered and overcommitted.

Beyond these time investments, I want to leave room for developing my own rhythm and having soul space. I know the temptation to fill more will be strong, but I am determined to pause and evaluate opportunities, so I can invest myself in the best way. I don't want to move from a too-full work life to a frenzied activity life. Undoubtedly I'll need to revisit my priorities regularly, as I'm unlikely to find the perfect balance - so I'll need grace in this season, just like in all my past seasons of life.

Carla Foote is the Publishing Manager and Executive Editor for MOPS International (MOPS.org). She also enjoys gardening and blogs at urbangardenver.wordpress.com.

Mind Reading

By Mary Byers

I recently listened as a friend expressed her frustration about someone she worked with in ministry. As the litany of complaints grew, I wondered why she endured the frustration. So I asked, "Have you talked to him about this? He's not a mind reader."

"No," she replied. "He'd never change."

"How do you know?"

"I just do." And that was the end of the conversation, which I've thought about many times since.

Why is it that we expect others to know what we're thinking? I've fallen into this trap myself many, many times. Frustrated in a working relationship with someone, I opt to complain and live in that frustration rather than approach the source. But what if leaders took a different tack? What if we looked at a conversation as "research" instead of "confrontation?" And what if the reason for the research was simply to find out if someone was receptive to what we were saying and whether or not they were able and willing to change? Is it possible that a different approach-rather than living frustrated-could change what leadership and ministry looks like in the areas where it's not working well for us?

Here's a conversational tool that I've found particularly helpful when having a tough dialogue:

I feel _________(emotion)

When_________(action)

Because_______(reason)

Let's say you're working with someone in ministry who is always late to team meetings. Here's how this might sound in real life:

"I feel frustrated when we are not able to start our meetings on time because not everyone is punctual."

(Notice that that word "you" never appears in the sentence. That's to keep the person you're talking with from feeling defensive and it's also recognition that the only person we can control is our self. The power in this is to remember to always use the word "I" and never "you.")

Susie: "What are you saying?"

You: "I've been holding up the meetings until you arrive but I'd be more comfortable if we started on time. I just want to make sure it's okay."

Susie: "It's not okay. I'm an important part of this team, too, and I don't want any decisions being made without me."

You: "Is there something I don't know about what's holding you up on meeting nights?"

Susie: "No. I just have an unpredictable job and don't always get out on time."

You: "That must be frustrating and I understand your desire not to miss any of the meeting. Next time, we'll start with what's least important or something that doesn't directly involve you. That way I can be sensitive to your wishes and courteous regarding other people's time."

Now that Susie knows you're frustrated-and what you plan to do about it-she can make an informed decision about how she'll respond. Chances are, now that you've gently called this to her attention, she'll be more prompt in the future.

Problem solved (hopefully!) and no mind reading was necessary.

Mary Byers is the author of How to Say No...And Live to Tell About It and is the managing editor of FullFill.

Sacred Siblings- A Pipe Dream?

Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan immortalized the popular (mis)understanding of male/female relationships in the hit movie When Harry Met Sally. When Harry makes a pass at Sally, his fellow co-ed, she turns him down with the familiar words, “No, Harry...we are just going to be friends, OK?”Harry responds: “Friends? You realize, of course, that we could never be friends.”

             

Why not?

What I’m saying, and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form, is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

             

That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

No, you don’t.

Yes, I do.

No, you don’t.

Yes, I do.

You only think you do.

Are you saying that I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?

No, I’m saying they all want to have sex with you.

                                  

Poor Sally! What a choice when it comes to men-romance or nothing. Why not “just” friends? Is a pure, non-romantic relationship really impossible between a man and a woman, or is Harry right? More specifically, how does Harry’s theory relate to men and women who follow Christ? I believe that Christians, indwelt by the Spirit, will prove Harry to be wrong. Men and women really can be friends. In Christ, they can be more than friends-they can be sacred siblings, and the implications for ministry are enormous!

            

What blinds us from seeing one another as sacred siblings? The answer is different for each of us. But even more than the role of women, sexual temptation is the hyper-charged factor we cannot ignore-for both men and women, especially in our over-sexed culture. It’s almost impossible not to be influenced by women with bare bellies and breasts, and muscular men sporting steely pecs and abs. God asks each of us to take charge of our hearts and hormones and submit them to Christ for the glory of God and building up of His Kingdom.

            

Does the Bible weigh in? The Bible tells us straight up. Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity (1 Timothy 5:1, 2). Paul indicates that in the community of faith we are called to honor older, mature men and women as if they were godly parents and male and female peers as if they were our brothers and sisters. Paul insists that we see the opposite sex as family members first, not as sexual objects. God considers lust between a biological brother and sister to be abhorrent. Just as sinful is lust between any man and woman, according to Jesus (Matt. 5:28). Shouldn’t it be unthinkable to lust after a spiritual brother or sister? Followers of Jesus are to consider one another as family, as sacred siblings. Is this mission impossible? Are we able to see one another this way in the family of faith? Yes, he enables us through the power of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts and minds. How might our churches be changed if men and women caught this vision and lived it out?

            

I wrote Mixed Ministry with a team of friends to explore answers to these questions but I'd love your input. Can men and women in Christ really be friends?

Dr. Sue Edwards specializes in ministry to women as Assistant Professor of Christian Education at Dallas Theological Seminary. Her books include Leading Women Who Wound, Mixed Ministry: Working Together as Brothers and Sisters in a Damaged Society.

What could Beth possibly bring to the table?

By Caryn Rivadeneira

Though her question alarmed me, I knew where she was coming from. After all, “Beth” (I changed her name) had just been named head of an organization filled with seemingly more qualified people-men and women with advanced degrees, with years of experience, working their way up, hand following hand on the long corporate ladder.

Surely, any of those people would’ve been a better choice than Beth, right? After all, Beth had spent years at homequietly running a home-based business while she raised a couple of kids and offered emotional support to her busy husband. On paper, this didn’t seem like much of a match to the other candidates.

But clearly, my friend didn’t see and didn’t know what so many of the rest of us did in and about Beth. Beth was a gifted leader-and she proved that leadership training grounds don’t only exist in business schools, in corporate board rooms or in Jim Collins’ books.

And yet, this is something our culture doesn’t widely recognize. As a result, women especially, can run up against leadership barriers time and again. Others have a hard time valuing our experience or our abilities if we’ve traded corporate life for home-business life or passed over business school so we could be there to drop off at preschool or be fully present from three to five p.m.

Even the most capable women get overlooked as soon as we “opt out” because somehow along the way, we have forgotten that leaders can be-and are-made just about anywhere. Leadership is more that sporting the right degrees, the right experience or knowing the right lingo. Leadership is about knowing what our gifts are and using them-fearlessly-and knowing who God made us to be and living that out-fearlessly. Leadership is a willingness to step out when others huddle back. And if we do it well, if we lead well, we inspire others to follow-or to take their own steps into God’s calling.

Christians need to look no further than the scriptures for confirmation of this. God rarely called the most qualified person. More often than not, it seems he called the least qualified! At least, least qualified according to normal, human standards.

More than one person in history has looked at someone God called to lead and asked “What could she possibly bring to the table?”

I’m going to venture a guess that if you’re in any sort of position of leadership (and really, aren’t we all?), you’ve asked yourself this very same thing. About yourself!

I know that “What do I possibly bring to the table?” has zipped through my brain more times than I can count. But it’s a terrible question-especially when God is calling us forward or when others are affirming our gifts.

I hope that we women, especially, can stop asking this question of one another and of ourselves. Instead of wondering why someone shouldn’t be leading or can’t be leading or isn’t qualified to lead, let’s focus on the reasons someone-no matter how unlikely-is leading. And let’s celebrate every time a less-than-likely person is tapped.

We’re all aware of our own weakness and failings. Let’s help one another celebrate our strengths and potential.

Caryn Rivadeneira is a founding member of the Redbud Writers’ Guild and the author of Grumble Hallelujah. You can connect with her at www.carynrivadeneira.com