What Women Tell Me: The Need for Connecting in Community

By Anita Lustrea

If you polled a group of women to find out their deepest needs, I can almost guarantee that longing for deeper friendships would rank near the top of their list. A little more than a year ago the radio program I host, Midday Connection, conducted an online survey to determine women’s points of pain. Over 2,300 women responded and, of the macro themes in the survey, relationships were in the top three. As we drilled down to the most common sub-themes of pain, the longing for deeper friendships was number one across all demographic lines. Women are desperate for female friendships and often don’t know how to initiate or develop them.

The fix might seem like a no brainer—go to a women’s ministry meeting at church, join a small group, or take an art class. Go places where women go and get to know them. But unfortunately, it’s not quite that easy. One hindrance to closer relationships is the masks we wear. We are afraid to let others get too close. “Surely they wouldn’t like me if they really knew me,” we often say to ourselves. But we need to move past these thoughts and live into who God created us to be instead of living into the expectations of others (which is often what we choose).

Another barrier is that many of us have been burned by relationships that were choked with too much responsibility, maybe even ones that were co-dependent. Sometimes we’ve not seen friendships modeled for us in our family of origin, or we’ve lost a spouse due to divorce or death and we are afraid to try again. Whatever the reason, we need to pay attention to the risks of living without community. The Harvard Medical School Nurse’s Health study that reported those who had the most friends over a nine year period cut their risk of early death by 60%. Yes, you read that right….60%!

In addition to simply finding friends, however, we need to find safe people to be in community with. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a great grid in their book Safe People.  A safe person, they say, has three characteristics: they draw us closer to God, they draw us closer to others and they draw us closer to our authentic selves.

Here are some practical steps on initiating and developing friendships:

1.      Invite 1 or 2 women to coffee. If they say no, ask someone else.

2.      If you have younger children, invite someone to a play date in a park.

3.      Don’t judge a book by its cover. Get to know someone’s story. You will be blessed and might be missing a gem of a friendship otherwise.

4.      Start praying for God to provide a friend. I’ve talked to countless women who have seen God answer this prayer.

5.      Look for “safe people” and run yourself through that same grid. Are YOU a safe person?

6.      Sometimes when we are desperate for a friend, we “throw up” all over them the first time we get together.  Friendships need to be mutual, and if they are to be a two way street, we need to slowly allow someone to get to know us—not tell all in one sitting. 

We are created for community. We are made in the image of a Trinitarian God. The pursuit of God and the pursuit of friendship go hand in hand. The two greatest impulses of our souls are upward and outward because we simply reflect the design of God. It’s no wonder that we are craving a deeper experience of friendship. And friends are essential to life and growth. Yes, reaching out can be risky, but my guess is that the person you reach out to is also in need of a warm smile and a future friend!

Anita Lustrea is the Executive Producer and Host of Moody Radio’s “Midday Connection”. She has authored, What Women Tell Me, available in the FullFill Store.

Why "Emotional Leaders" Are Underrated

Sharon Hodde Miller

Earlier this year I served at a women's ministry retreat in which our leadership team encountered a difficult situation. It tested our leader in a public way, but her response exceeded my expectations. She was a vision of grace under pressure, responding with patience, wisdom, and discernment. It was a true leadership moment that had a powerful impact on me.

Following the incident, I chatted with a fellow volunteer who also thought our leader was exemplary, but for different reasons: she admired the way she suppressed her emotions. Unlike "most women," who have trouble navigating their emotions in difficult situations, a predisposition that supposedly inhibits female leaders, our leader did no such thing. And my fellow volunteer thought our leader was stronger for it.

At the time I was still processing the events of that day so I simply nodded my head and listened. Since then, I have come to realize that I disagree-rather strongly, in fact.

For decades (and perhaps longer), there has existed a well-established myth that women are emotional creatures and men are not. Linked to this myth is the idea that a woman's emotions are an obstacle to all sorts of goods-objectivity, logic, and level-headed leadership.

I say this is a "myth" for two reasons. First, both men AND women are emotional creatures. We may express our emotions in different ways, but we are equally creatures of emotion. Second, the belief that emotion is a limitation is based on a very particular understanding of strength and success.

Some of the most prestigious psychologists of the last century appealed to the male standard of behavior as a kind of "norm" against which women were measured. This bias was partially rooted in the fact that most of the psychologists were themselves men, but it was also due to the fact that the workplace rewarded male characteristics.

As a result of this workplace dynamic, many women adapted by playing down their female attributes and becoming more like men. Part of this transformation involved becoming "less emotional."

However, recent news stories have noted that the workplace is changing. Far more men were laid off during the Recession than women, and economists predict that the new "knowledge economy" will favor women's skills and training over men's. Cold, logical leadership appears to be declining in favor of the collaborative, sympathetic leadership that is more traditionally associated with women.

Clearly, emotion is not antithetical to good leadership. Returning to my experience at the women's ministry retreat, I suspect that our leader responded so well because of her emotion. She was sensitive to the complexities and feelings of those involved, and it was her sensitivity that led her to act the way she did. Her emotion was not a hindrance, but an asset.

Of course, emotional leadership is not uniquely female. Jesus himself showed emotion throughout the course of his ministry on earth. He showed compassion on a crowd of followers (Matt. 9:36), he expressed great anger at the Temple moneychangers (Matt. 21:12), and he wept openly with those who were grieving (John 11:35). From his example, it would seem that emotion-when expressed in the right ways at the right times-it not necessarily female but instead Christian.

So I say we dispose with this myth that emotion and good leadership are mutually exclusive. And let's also dispose with the myth that women leaders are hindered by their emotions. Some women are limited by their emotions, just as some men are. But the answer is not to suppress our emotions when serving in leadership. The answer is to harness those emotions for the good work of God.

Sharon Hodde Miller is a writer and student pursuing her PhD at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. In addition to her own blog, Sharon is also a regular contributor to Her.meneutics, Ungrind, and Cultivate Her.

We Really Can Have it All

By Shayne Moore

Julia Child, the famous chef who changed how American women cook and think about food, began her career when she was 50.

Nancy Pelosi, the sometimes controversial Congresswoman, first ran for elected office when she was 47.

Miucci Prada, the world-famous fashion designer who changed the way women dress and think of beauty, delivered her first fashion collection at the age of 39.

As a stay-at-home mother of three young children I used to suffer in silence. I felt isolated from the world. I knew, of course, I had influence in my own home and with my own children. And I loved my job. I loved being the mom. I didn’t want anyone else but me changing diapers, making meals, and sitting on the floor doing puzzles. Yet, something nagged from deep within. I knew there was more to me than domestic goddess.

I watched as friends, both men and women, grew up into their lives. They created businesses, received advanced degrees, traveled the world, and slowly built solid and respectable careers.

When my youngest went to first grade I panicked. What was I qualified to do? I had been an at-home mom for almost 15 years. Who would hire me to do anything? I felt behind. I was starting from scratch and I was almost 40 years old.

One night while visiting my in-laws in Dallas I could not sleep. I stole quietly into the family room to watch a bit of TV. I landed on a program, a biography of Julia Child. Up until this point I knew very little of the famous chef except for her quirky voice.

By the end of the program I was crying in the dark room. Julia Child had an entire life as a wife and mother before her world-changing career. While, I may be one of the only people who have never seen the movie Julie and Julia, perhaps the movie touches on the same theme that brought such inspiration to me. I was surprisingly moved by Julia’s story of finding her influence later in life. It hit me hard and my unexpected tears informed me of something in my heart I needed to listen to.

I was inspired by learning that Julia started by taking cooking classes. She didn’t start with a TV show or a best-selling cookbook. And so, taking my inspiration from Julia, I did the same. I just started. I gave myself grace to do only what was in front of me. Some days it was all children, all family, all groceries, cleaning and laundry. Yet I began to carve out time for myself, slowly at first, but it grew as my family grew.

Today I no longer feel isolated or sorry for myself. Rather I celebrate the fact that as women living in our generation we really can have it all. Maybe not all at the same time, but God willing, life is long and the possibilities are endless.

Shayne Moore, MA is the author of Global Soccer Mom: Changing the World Is Easier Than You Think. She supports and works closely with World Vision, ONE, World Relief and is a member of the World Vision Speakers Bureau. She sits on the board of directors of Growers First, an organization partnering with rural farmers to fight poverty. With an MA in theology, Shayne is an active speaker and writes for her blog (www.ShayneMoore.com) and is a founder of Redbud Writers Guild (www.redbudwritersguild.com). She lives with her husband, John, and three children in Wheaton, IL, and can be found at www.facebook.com/shayne.moore and on Twitter @GlobalSoccerMom. Look for her forthcoming book, Refuse To Do Nothing: Finding Your Power To Fight Modern Day Slavery (Intervarsity Press).

Who Are You, Really?

By Tricia Halsey

I thought I knew myself.

For three years I worked hard doing a job I absolutely loved. I poured my heart into bringing about positive change for other women, yet all the while paying little attention to myself.

Then God got my attention. He pulled me out of my position and left me without a job. An intervention that made me stop, step back and reevaluate where I was and where I needed to be.

At first the achiever in me wanted to charge, full-steam ahead, into the next opportunity that seemed to be a good fit-that is until I realized I had no clue what a “good fit” actually looked like. I spent so many years letting others define who I was and what I was good at that, although I often excelled, I didn’t feel fulfilled. While caring for others and striving to achieve, I forgot me.

After three months of unemployment, I realized that God was saving me from this “not real” me. My soul was in decay because I was not living authentically as he created me to live.

How common is it for us women to shrug off the hard work of deep authentic living and go for what seems easier-- losing ourselves in doing good? It’s far harder to dig deep into our souls to unearth and understand our talents and strengths, weaknesses and sins, passions and dreams than it is to simply put our focus on others. Living authentically is hard work.

Please don’t miss this:

You were created by God to have unfathomable influence and impact in the world, yet you will never-not ever-come close to fulfilling your potential if you do not know yourself.

What a tragedy when your potential for impact is minimized!

Seeking to know who you are, as God created you, is not a pursuit you should brush off. It is a matter of properly positioning yourself to partner with God in his work of redemption for immeasurable-incomprehensible-impact. Never forget that God commissioned you to join with him in his work of redemption. He has plans for you, but you must actively engage with him as a steward of the talents he’s given to you. The results could be far bigger than you can comprehend.

Ask yourself:

• What are you passionate about?
• What do you feel uniquely gifted to do?
• What are your strengths?
• Even harder, what are your weaknesses, your fears and your unconfessed sins?
• How do all of these weave together with your experiences and personality to distinctively position you for life-giving work?

Discuss, reflect, pray and confess with people you trust. Utilize tools like personality and strengths assessments. Seek counseling and find mentors. Most importantly, ask God to reveal who you are and what you can do best. He created you. He knows you and the potential you have. He will help you as you seek to use your gifts, but you need to ask. And you need to be willing to do the hard work.

Tricia Halsey has her MA in Leadership from Denver Seminary and is passionate about developing leaders and coaching women to embrace and live according to their full God-given potential. She is a wife and mother of two very busy young boys.

God's Word: Our Life

Keri Wyatt Kent

God says about his Word: "Command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law. They are not just idle words for you-they are your life." (Deuteronomy 32:47)

The Bible is not just a true book, it is a life-giving book. Yet how often I rush through it, slurping up a bit of inspiration (or maybe just information), then plunging into the rushing stream of my day. The hurry of my life spills into even my quiet time. I believe there is a better way to read Scripture. A way that transforms us, rather than just informs us. That way, I think, is to slow down. Way down.

Instead of trying to get through a chapter or section, what would happen if you spent several days just reflecting on one verse of scripture, one word or idea? What if you not only knew truth, but lived it?

It's important to look at the big story of God. We need context. But we also need to dig into the truth, and begin to live that truth. What good is it to know all about God but not walk with God?

Anyone who has used Google or other search engines knows the importance of "keywords." When you read the Bible, look for keywords. Take some time to research those words. Then, take some time to pray them, to listen to what those words are calling you to do.

Matthew 9:36 says about Jesus: "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."

The keyword, compassion, translates the Greek splagchnizomai, which means to be deeply moved in your guts with intense compassion, in a yearning, visceral way. It is gut-wrenching compassion, not disinterested sympathy. This is the compassion Jesus has for you.

A concordance will direct us to other verses using this word, such as "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion (splagchnon), kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:11-13).

This theologically rich passage includes many keywords: chosen, loved, compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgive. These are the characteristics of Christ, and the characteristics we're called to have as well. We're called to have that same compassion that Jesus feels, deep in his guts-a compassion that ultimately led to self-sacrifice.

What if, instead of skimming over this verse in an effort to get our Bible reading checked off of our to-do list, we camped here for a few days, considering each keyword, digging into truth and praying about how to live out each word?

Each day, you have an opportunity to love. Jesus said the whole of Scripture can be summed up with the command to love God, and love one another. So what if you loved your family, your co-workers, your neighbors. What if you read just one verse, or focused on one word, but really lived it out? What if you let a word from God's word transform your interactions with others? In other words, what if you really believed that God's Word is your life?

Keri Wyatt Kent is the author of nine books, including Deeper into the Word: Reflections on 100 New Testament Words. She writes and speaks about slowing down and simplifying in order to listen to God. Learn more about her ministry at www.keriwyattkent.com

The Cleavage Gap

By Sue Edwards

I was teaching a class of high-octane Christian women leaders on how to work with men in ministry. When the topic of appropriate attire surfaced, I could hardly keep from breaking out in laughter at the irony. Before me were women bemoaning the provocative way women dress these days, but four, yes, four, of them were showing enough cleavage to distract any man in our midst. I don't get the disconnect - the gap. Please know that I love these women dearly, and my intent is not to cause any sister to slink away in shame, but I love our brothers too.

I know good men are bothered by cleavage because, for our book Mixed Ministry, we interviewed many Christian men who told us how much any cleavage distracted them, that when just a bit of a woman is showing, a man's mind immediately goes to the whole thing. Not one man said, "It's ok, I'm used to it--no big deal." The men we interviewed were the men who will ultimately give women a place at the ministry table, or not. They are godly men who want to be faithful to their wives and to treat women as sisters in the workplace. And their united plea was for us to ask women to stop...and I've tried. But to little avail. About all I've accomplished is that guilty women, in my presence, keep grabbing the fabric of their blouses at the shoulders and pulling up, as if that would alleviate the issue. This tells me, on some level, they know, but not enough to purchase a tee or throw the offensive garment in the trash.

I don't expect immature believers, and certainly non believers, to dress modestly. But these are leaders, the ones who set the standard for others. I'm trying to get into the heads of these leaders who don't get the cleavage gap. What are they thinking? Maybe...

• · It's impossible to buy stylish clothes today without showing cleavage, so I'm giving in.
• · I've worked hard and long on this body, and, by golly, I'm going to show it off.
• · My husband might secretly be drawn to other women if they show theirs, so I better show mine.
• · I want to be loved and I'll never get a man's attention any other way.
• · It's hot and I want to wear something cool.
• · It's not my fault if men can't handle it. Women have been blamed too long for men's lust. I'll flaunt it just to show them, a similar attitude to feminist's bra burning back in the sixties.
• · I'm too busy to be bothered by this issue. Men need to get over it.

I wonder if these women realize how much their insensitivity hurts our chances of being taken seriously by men. Seems to me when we show cleavage, we back up what men have said and thought about women for centuries. We care more about the power of our sexuality than we do about its effect on our brothers. We aren't thinking about the long term impact of our choices, just about how cute we look today. Or maybe it's too much trouble for busy women to assess the effect of the gap. That's understandable for immature women who don't know better. But not for leaders with far-reaching influence.

I thought about creating a workshop on "the gap", but women who attend would not be gappers. Confrontation embarrasses some offenders but I don't want to resort to storming around as the dress police. Rules are not the answer. Somehow we must find the root cause and help women uncover the reason for the gap in their personal thinking and actions. I'm befuddled when leaders flaunt the gap and then wonder why the glass ceiling hasn't shattered. I want to say, "Get a mirror."

I know most gappers would never cause a man to lust on purpose. I know they love Jesus with all their hearts. I guess they don't know how much they influence others, or maybe they just don't think through these issues. Whatever the reason, I have no solutions. It reminds me of the millions of messages that we taught on materialism through the years, and Christians simply ignored us. Materialism will be the indictment on the Baby-Boomer generation, but you can't blame preachers. They tried. I wonder what indictment will sadden leaders of this generation?

Dr. Sue Edwards specializes in ministry to women as Assistant Professor of Christian Education at Dallas Theological Seminary. Her books include Leading Women Who Wound, Mixed Ministry: Working Together as Brothers and Sisters in a Damaged Society.

Get Some Rest!

By Lesa Engelthaler

I envy people who can fall asleep, anywhere.

I glare at unworried souls stretched out across airport seats, snoozing away. Don't they have a plane to catch?

On the flip side, I am the Princess and the Pea. I have a bedtime ritual, fan cranked up loud (White Noise App; genius travel invention), only a certain familiar pillow will do and a soothing Jane Austin-ish read. Then, as I hit the window into dreamland, total darkness is a must.

Jesus and Rest

Jesus could fall asleep anywhere. One time, on a boat with his disciples, in the midst of a spew-your-lunch storm, Jesus curled up and napped.

Jesus' enviable ability to nap may have stemmed from his understanding of the deeper meaning of the word rest.

If I knew that I had only thirty-three years to live, I'd be in a frenzy to get my to-do list done or at least a few Bucket List items checked off, reasoning, "Hey, I'll relax in heaven." Not Jesus. He often climbed up a hill or sat on a rock just to be alone or pray. He even invited his disciples to join him, "Come away with me to a quiet place and get some rest."

Rest, or Sabbath-rest, as the Bible sometimes describes it, entails more than the ability to doze off easily. A.W. Tozer writes, "Rest is not something we do, it is what comes to us when we cease to do." And yet, for me, "ceasing to do" takes effort.

Resting is Hard Work
I don't know about you, but peace and quiet, isn't a natural part of my lifestyle. And yet I know I need to unplug. Ruth Haley Barton warns, "Because we do not rest, we lose our way."

So how do we include soul-restoring times in our lives? It sounds ridiculous but I have to plan-to do nothing. If I have to type the word rest through a few time slots on my calendar, so be it.

Get outside

My sister lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains; in the summer, her windows are open and quiet is what you hear. The view from her porch swing is green serenity. I, on the other hand, am a city girl, which makes quiet a bit trickier to come by.

For me, true soul-rest happens best outside. When I think ahead, instead of eating lunch in front of my laptop, I plop down on the bench that no one uses outside my office building.

When I have more time, I love to grab a quilt and my well worn Bible (you know, the kind made of paper and you turn actual pages) and head to a park, or in a pinch, my own backyard. I lay back, breathe deep, recite favorite verses or just look up at clear blue sky.

If I happen to doze off, how restful is that?

Recommended read: Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton. Click here to buy it!

"There is an energy that comes from being rested that is different from the energy that comes from being driven." -Ruth Haley Barton

Lesa Engelthaler is a writer in Dallas, TX. You can find her at the Redbud Writers Guild: http://www.redbudwritersguild.com/.