When the Shepherd Herself is in Pain

By Dr. Bev Hislop

My husband’s words caught me off guard. “Honey, I just got a call from the doctor and she wants me to come in tomorrow for an angiogram.”

Five years prior the doctor suggested we track progress with the possibility of the need for a heart valve repair in the future. Apparently “the future” was here.

My husband’s heart valve repair surgery was scheduled for Thanksgiving week.

I recall returning home alone the night before the early morning surgery. As I crawled into bed and looked at the empty pillow next to me, I cried out to God, “Is this how it’s going to look now? Or will you fill this empty place again with my dearest friend on the planet, my husband?”

As a friend said to me recently, “Bev, you’ve written Shepherding Women in Pain, but how does it work when the shepherd is in pain?”

Well-meaning friends said to me

• “You teach pastoral care, you’ll know what to do.”
• “My uncle also had an open heart surgery and he survived fine. He has since gone to be with the Lord. Your husband will do fine. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.” (Her uncle was dead! Is that supposed to be comforting? Easy for you to say “He’ll be fine!” How do you know?)
• “God never gives us more than we can bear.” (Not comforting at the outset and where is this verse anyway?!)
• “I know exactly how you feel. Just keep praying.” (No one can know exactly how another feels.)
• “If there’s anything you need, let me know.” (Putting one foot in front of the other was about all I could do.)

When the shepherd herself is in pain, as I was then, often we do not receive the answers for which we are searching, but we begin to see God in a new light. Oh, it’s not God who has changed, rather he’s opened our eyes to see him more accurately: his true character, rather than the caricature in which we’ve been trusting.

Typically at the first impact of loss (real or threatened), few words are best. Presence counts more. Sometimes silence can be comforting. Don’t feel you have to have just the right thing to say. It may minister to someone in extreme pain to receive (verbally or in writing) one of the following simple expressions:

• I am praying for you (if you really are!)

• I don’t know what to say (acknowledges how hard this is).
• I love you. I care about you & your family (if you do).
• I’m concerned about you. You mean a lot to me and I want to help (offer specific help).

• I wanted to come here (to the hospital) and just be with you (without feeling like you have to keep a conversation going non-stop).

I am so grateful that the pillow beside me is now filled nightly with the presence of my dear husband.

The gift of family and friends sitting with us in the hospital and then visiting during the six month recovery in our home is a lingering sweetness. The reality of my husband’s presence is even more endearing as I recall those intimate times with my Savior.

What expressions of care and/or conversations with God have been most meaningful to you during a time of anticipated or real loss?

Dr. Bev Hislop is Professor of Pastoral Care to Women and the Founding Director of the Women’s Center for Ministry at Western Seminary in Portland, OR She is the author of Shepherding Women in Pain. You can order her book at http://fullfill.christianbook.com/?srctype=menu//.

Childhood Messages Reinterpreted

By Alexandra Kuykendall

We sat in a haphazard circle, nothing perfect about it, about us. Some nursing babies, others relieved we were child-free for a few hours. We were calling it "MOPS Extra," a time for us to gather outside of our regular MOPS meetings and talk. Because we all wanted to talk and connect. Talk about where we'd been, how we were surviving today and who we hoped to be if able to make it through the sleep deprivation that took over so many of us.

The question for the morning stimulated conversation: Where were you in the birth order in your family and do you think that has impacted who you are today? The answers came pouring out, but with them so much more than the position of siblings. We examined who took on more responsibility, how personality is formed, the birth order of our own parents and of our children. The question of where do I fit in this world in relation to the imperfect people around me? And how did I first learn to understand that?

And then Angie said it. That comment that would follow me home and crash through my brain over and over like ocean waves. With a baby perched on her hip she said, "My therapist told me once that children are great observers and terrible interpreters." She kept going, "I guess it's our job as adults to go back and re-interpret all those observations."

What perfect sense that made to me. We aren't equipped as children to understand the adult things happening around us. It's not until we've matured and lived some life, and hopefully walked some years with the holy, that we can comb through our memories and better understand their significance in our journeys. And to understand how they've shaped us into who we are today.

It gives new meaning to the 11th verse from 1 Corinthians 13, "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways." I now have the responsibility to re-examine my childhood and the messages it offered me from my grown woman state. For the verse that follows is, "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known." Then. When "completeness comes" as Paul says in verse 11, I will know fully my value in God's love.

When we are in the full glory of Jesus we will understand our full value. Until then we must sit in circles and reflect back to each other who God says we are. That we are indeed defined by love.

Alexandra Kuykendall is the author of The Artist's Daughter: A Memoir, where she examines the questions of identity, loving and being loved through her life journey as a child of a world-traveling single mom and an absent painter father. Alexandra and her husband Derek have four daughters. Connect with her at www.AlexandraKuykendall.com.

Praying for Your Team

By Mary Byers

I have a confession to make: I'm not the best at remembering to pray for others. For years this has kept me from saying, "I'll pray for you," even if I planned to do so. I was afraid I'd forget and I didn't want to disappoint or be a hypocrite. Yet lately there's been plenty to pray about in my role as a leader, whether at work, home or in my volunteer activities. As the need for prayer has increased, my desire to make this a priority has grown. Maybe the strategies I've devised to help me remember to pray for my leadership team will be helpful as you lead yours.

Prayer walking/running. Any time I'm walking or running, I try to remember to start a conversation with God. Yesterday during a brisk jog, I prayed for two friends with cancer, a child's academic performance, two others who experienced the death of a family member, and the parent council I work with at church. I've also prayed my way through the grocery store and on a walk around the block recently.

In the car. For years I've practiced the art of starting each drive with 5 minutes of silence. I've trained myself not to reach for the radio knob or the ability to make calls hands-free. In the past I've used this time to clear my head. Now I'm using it to pray for those I lead with. The digital clock in my car makes it easy to track time. Often, I'm pleased to see that I've prayed for more than these 5 minutes.

12:34. A friend shared that she prays every time she sees 12:34 on any digital clock. When I adapted this practice, I assumed I'd mostly be praying during the day. Now that I have teens, however, I'm surprised how often I find myself praying in the wee hours of the morning.

Prior to meetings. Leading a team often requires hosting meetings or preparing agendas. Before I do either now I try to bow my head and quickly visualize and pray for those who will be in the meeting.

The above ideas aren't intended to replace regular prayer time. They are simply ideas to help busy leaders remember and embrace the power of prayer in all the leadership roles they hold (whether prayer comes easily or not!).

Mary Byers is the managing editor of FullFill and the author of Race for Relevance: 5 Radical Changes for Associations. She helps organizations remain both relevant and sustainable.

Unlikely Leaders

By Caryn Rivadeneira

The first time someone called me a leader, I nearly fell off my chair. Although I was in my late twenties and had achieved a dream magazine-editing title and managed an actual staff, I had never considered myself a leader.

More than a decade later, after I've chaired boards and committees, led organizations and run my own business, it astounds me that I couldn't see myself as a leader. And yet, I understand why it was hard to see. Although I grew up among the second wave of feminism and girls-can-do-anything-boys-can-do-better-ism, I still fell for the cultural ideal of what leaders look like. And let's face it: our male- and serious-centric image of leaders doesn't look much like me.

And yet, I've come to see myself as a leader, not because I match up to culture's image of what a leader is, but because I believe I match up with what God's image of one is. In that, God picks weird people to lead. And apparently, one of those weird people is me. Another is you.

God's odd choice of leaders can be seen in the stories from Moses to Naomi, from Mary to Paul and everyone in between, before and after. But while rereading the book of Psalms as I wrote my most recent book, I saw my weird mix of qualities in the writings of David. Though in most ways I'm nothing like King David (obviously), like him, I mess up all the time. Like him, I love God, but let God have it every once in a while. And like David, I seek to follow God's leading and his way, but sometimes my own way seems much better. But mostly, like David, I know I can bring my messes, my frustration, my confusion and my anger along with my praise to God in what I write. And that God accepts this.

In Psalm 51: 17, David writes, "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heartyou, God, will not despise."

For those of us who lead or who seek to be women of influence, this is perhaps the best thing we can know. We may never look like the world's view of leaders, but when God puts us in a position to lead and influence, we must.

Of course, in this position, we'll also mess up. A million times over. To know that God's okay with that and that he welcomes our words of contrition and brokenness as offerings before we start again, makes us one of God's great big weird mix of leaders.

Caryn Rivadeneira leads in a variety of ways in her spheres of influence as writer, speaker, editor, mom, wife and worship planner. She is the author of the recently released book,Known and Loved: 52 Devotions from the Psalms.Connect with her at www.carynrivadeneira.com.

A Symphony of Prayer

By Gail Dudley

Think about how a symphony orchestra functions. The most important person in an orchestra is the conductor. The conductor does not play an instrument at all. His job, at its most basic level, is to indicate the beat of the music. With each movement of the baton, the conductor is instructing with imaginary points that indicate the beat in the bar the orchestra is playing.

Relate this to prayer and imagine that you are in the orchestra and Jesus is the conductor. When you start following his beat, then your heartbeat begins to line up with his heartbeat, and you will find yourself praying what he is praying. “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done….” You find that when you pray under his direction you are focused on his thoughts, his will, and find that your thoughts are no longer as important as before. Your mind is now focused on Jesus.

So often people will ask, "How shall I pray"? The conductor will prepare you. The conductor’s role in the orchestra is to be responsible for the preparation, the rehearsal, and for making interpretative decisions, such as whether a certain passage should be slow, fast, soft, loud, smooth, aggressive, and so forth. He will speak to you boldly, compassionately, through a whisper, and you just have to follow - to be obedient. Through the reading of his Word, you will know to wait patiently, move swiftly, to be still, and so on.

A conductor of an orchestra communicates decisions both verbally during the rehearsal and during the performance, using different movements, gestures, and expressions. During prayer, you will know what Jesus is communicating with you because you have spent time with him.

Once you understand how to follow the conductor, then you can participate in the symphony. There are usually four movements to a symphony. With a typical symphony, the first movement is a fairly fast movement, weighty in content and feeling.

The second movement of a symphony will be slow and solemn in character. As we pray, we may find a time when we are quieter, slower. The pounding of the heart slows down. There’s room for silence—you may no longer be in a hurry. You have decided to take your time and watch and pray.

The third movement of a symphony can be interchanged with the second movement. When we pray, we may find ourselves in a hurry in the beginning but, later, get with God and slow down because we are finally resting in his arms.

The fourth movement in a symphony creates the finale. The finale is made up of a variation where the theme is elaborated, developed, and transformed. Although a symphony may seem difficult in our natural hearing, it’s easy to understand for those who are a part of the orchestra.

With Christ, we may think this journey of prayer and worship is difficult, but it’s a beautiful journey once we get in rhythm with Christ.

With her husband, Gail Dudley pastors at The Church at North Pointe in Columbus, OH. She is the author of Ready to Pray available in the FullFill store.

Still Learning

By Carla Foote

Apparently when Michelangelo (painter, sculptor, architect, poet – original Renaissance man) was 87 years old he said, “Ancora imparo” – I am still learning.

I reflected on keeping a learning posture last week, when I was at the pool locker room, suiting up for my lap swim. I was chatting with a woman just a few years younger than me; she was getting ready for her final lifeguarding class. Wow – a class with a bunch of teenagers and one woman who was close to 50 years old! That is a learning posture.

I thought about her while I went back and forth, back and forth, doing my laps. I thought about all the reasons some of us stop learning when we get over (fill in the blank for age). And then I thought about all the reasons to keep on learning.

Reasons to stop learning (most of us won’t articulate these, but they are in the back of our minds when we step back rather than forward towards a learning opportunity):

·         Fear – of what others will think, of looking stupid, of being wrong, of not being able to accomplish whatever we want to learn

·         Time – to accomplish something new, we need to set aside time, make it a priority and stop doing activities that are less meaningful

·         Settling – the comfort and safety of the known can cause us to settle for staying stuck, rather than trying new things

·         Lack of imagination – we have never pictured ourselves doing the new thing – being a lifeguard, writing a book, climbing a mountain, speaking in front of a crowd, telling our story

Reasons to keep on learning:

·         Stretching – it’s as good for our minds as it is for our muscles

·         Stewarding – we have gifts and influence we can invest for the kingdom, in every season of life

·         Serving – the lifeguard learns so she can save a life – I learn so I can serve my community in some way

I want to keep learning this month, this year, this decade, and for as many decades as I have life and breath. Sometimes I lack focus, because I want to learn so many things and I don’t have time for all of them. Then I go back to stewardship – understanding my unique season of life and my unique gifts, so I can decide where to focus my learning for now and the next that God calls me toward. Right now I’m thinking about working on my Spanish, since my daughter will be in Mexico again next year, and I’d like to be able to communicate when I visit her. Not to mention how useful it will be in my hometown.

“Ancora imparo” – I want to keep learning, stretching, stewarding and serving.

Carla Foote has recently become the blog manager for Weekly ReFill. In addition, she does freelance editing through www.FinePrintEdit.com and is Executive Editor for MomSense magazine (www.MOPS.org).

Watching and Wondering

By Margot Starbuck

A few years ago, I was attending a ministry conference in the Northwest that was being keynoted by a Big-Name speaker. (Feel free to imagine whichever Big-Name speaker you most enjoy.) At lunch time, when we all gathered in a college cafeteria to eat, I felt the rumblings of my inner-middle-schooler as I searched for a place to sit. If I sat alone, perhaps no one would join me. If I sidled up to the cool kids - uh, I mean adults - they might not talk to me. Dropping my tray near some friends I already knew, I saw Big Speaker join the line of folks gathering their meals.

I kept an eye on this guy, sort of dreaming of how great it would feel if he came and sat next to me. (Yes, I'm that girl.) Of course, I naturally expected him to sit with the other Biggish Names who were also in attendance. But he didn't. He didn't choose an empty table, either. Rather, he bee-lined for the random person, eating alone, whom I would have pegged as the most unlikely character. To be blunt, she looked as though she was used to sitting alone. I watched as he asked for the pleasure of her company. I sneak-peeked glances as he engaged her. From his face and gestures, he appeared really quite delighted for the opportunity to know her.

Though sometimes I feel like the only one petty enough to behave this way, I feel certain that mine were not the only eyes on this guy. Attendees rubbing elbows with him at the salad bar and starstruck wallflowers like me had all been a little curious about where he would land. Our eyes were on him.

As leaders, there are eyes watching us. They notice who we sit next to at the church potluck. They wait to see how we'll respond to the beggar outside the church as we walk to our cars. They wonder how we'll greet the person on the street - tattooed skater or shrunken Grandpa - who is radically other than we are.

They watch in the same way that the religious and the notably irreligious kept an eye on those with whom Jesus engaged. (For what it's worth, those watching Jesus got surprised a lot.) His disciples were sort of shocked when they got back from the grocery store and he was chatting up a Samaritan woman - wrong race, wrong religion, wrong gender. Crowds were baffled when he made a lunch date with Zacchaeus - wrong profession, known sinner. You'd think that, eventually, they'd stop being shocked, but Jesus just kept pushing the religious envelope.

Even though you or I do not live our lives for the eyes of others, those whom we lead are watching. Will any of them be surprised by the ones toward whom we are moving and receiving in love?

Margot Starbuck noodles on how to engage with sinners in her new book, Permission Granted. Get to know Margot at www.MargotStarbuck.com.