Mind Reading

By Mary Byers

I recently listened as a friend expressed her frustration about someone she worked with in ministry. As the litany of complaints grew, I wondered why she endured the frustration. So I asked, "Have you talked to him about this? He's not a mind reader."

"No," she replied. "He'd never change."

"How do you know?"

"I just do." And that was the end of the conversation, which I've thought about many times since.

Why is it that we expect others to know what we're thinking? I've fallen into this trap myself many, many times. Frustrated in a working relationship with someone, I opt to complain and live in that frustration rather than approach the source. But what if leaders took a different tack? What if we looked at a conversation as "research" instead of "confrontation?" And what if the reason for the research was simply to find out if someone was receptive to what we were saying and whether or not they were able and willing to change? Is it possible that a different approach-rather than living frustrated-could change what leadership and ministry looks like in the areas where it's not working well for us?

Here's a conversational tool that I've found particularly helpful when having a tough dialogue:

I feel _________(emotion)

When_________(action)

Because_______(reason)

Let's say you're working with someone in ministry who is always late to team meetings. Here's how this might sound in real life:

"I feel frustrated when we are not able to start our meetings on time because not everyone is punctual."

(Notice that that word "you" never appears in the sentence. That's to keep the person you're talking with from feeling defensive and it's also recognition that the only person we can control is our self. The power in this is to remember to always use the word "I" and never "you.")

Susie: "What are you saying?"

You: "I've been holding up the meetings until you arrive but I'd be more comfortable if we started on time. I just want to make sure it's okay."

Susie: "It's not okay. I'm an important part of this team, too, and I don't want any decisions being made without me."

You: "Is there something I don't know about what's holding you up on meeting nights?"

Susie: "No. I just have an unpredictable job and don't always get out on time."

You: "That must be frustrating and I understand your desire not to miss any of the meeting. Next time, we'll start with what's least important or something that doesn't directly involve you. That way I can be sensitive to your wishes and courteous regarding other people's time."

Now that Susie knows you're frustrated-and what you plan to do about it-she can make an informed decision about how she'll respond. Chances are, now that you've gently called this to her attention, she'll be more prompt in the future.

Problem solved (hopefully!) and no mind reading was necessary.

Mary Byers is the author of How to Say No...And Live to Tell About It and is the managing editor of FullFill.

Sacred Siblings- A Pipe Dream?

Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan immortalized the popular (mis)understanding of male/female relationships in the hit movie When Harry Met Sally. When Harry makes a pass at Sally, his fellow co-ed, she turns him down with the familiar words, “No, Harry...we are just going to be friends, OK?”Harry responds: “Friends? You realize, of course, that we could never be friends.”

             

Why not?

What I’m saying, and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form, is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

             

That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

No, you don’t.

Yes, I do.

No, you don’t.

Yes, I do.

You only think you do.

Are you saying that I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?

No, I’m saying they all want to have sex with you.

                                  

Poor Sally! What a choice when it comes to men-romance or nothing. Why not “just” friends? Is a pure, non-romantic relationship really impossible between a man and a woman, or is Harry right? More specifically, how does Harry’s theory relate to men and women who follow Christ? I believe that Christians, indwelt by the Spirit, will prove Harry to be wrong. Men and women really can be friends. In Christ, they can be more than friends-they can be sacred siblings, and the implications for ministry are enormous!

            

What blinds us from seeing one another as sacred siblings? The answer is different for each of us. But even more than the role of women, sexual temptation is the hyper-charged factor we cannot ignore-for both men and women, especially in our over-sexed culture. It’s almost impossible not to be influenced by women with bare bellies and breasts, and muscular men sporting steely pecs and abs. God asks each of us to take charge of our hearts and hormones and submit them to Christ for the glory of God and building up of His Kingdom.

            

Does the Bible weigh in? The Bible tells us straight up. Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity (1 Timothy 5:1, 2). Paul indicates that in the community of faith we are called to honor older, mature men and women as if they were godly parents and male and female peers as if they were our brothers and sisters. Paul insists that we see the opposite sex as family members first, not as sexual objects. God considers lust between a biological brother and sister to be abhorrent. Just as sinful is lust between any man and woman, according to Jesus (Matt. 5:28). Shouldn’t it be unthinkable to lust after a spiritual brother or sister? Followers of Jesus are to consider one another as family, as sacred siblings. Is this mission impossible? Are we able to see one another this way in the family of faith? Yes, he enables us through the power of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts and minds. How might our churches be changed if men and women caught this vision and lived it out?

            

I wrote Mixed Ministry with a team of friends to explore answers to these questions but I'd love your input. Can men and women in Christ really be friends?

Dr. Sue Edwards specializes in ministry to women as Assistant Professor of Christian Education at Dallas Theological Seminary. Her books include Leading Women Who Wound, Mixed Ministry: Working Together as Brothers and Sisters in a Damaged Society.

What could Beth possibly bring to the table?

By Caryn Rivadeneira

Though her question alarmed me, I knew where she was coming from. After all, “Beth” (I changed her name) had just been named head of an organization filled with seemingly more qualified people-men and women with advanced degrees, with years of experience, working their way up, hand following hand on the long corporate ladder.

Surely, any of those people would’ve been a better choice than Beth, right? After all, Beth had spent years at homequietly running a home-based business while she raised a couple of kids and offered emotional support to her busy husband. On paper, this didn’t seem like much of a match to the other candidates.

But clearly, my friend didn’t see and didn’t know what so many of the rest of us did in and about Beth. Beth was a gifted leader-and she proved that leadership training grounds don’t only exist in business schools, in corporate board rooms or in Jim Collins’ books.

And yet, this is something our culture doesn’t widely recognize. As a result, women especially, can run up against leadership barriers time and again. Others have a hard time valuing our experience or our abilities if we’ve traded corporate life for home-business life or passed over business school so we could be there to drop off at preschool or be fully present from three to five p.m.

Even the most capable women get overlooked as soon as we “opt out” because somehow along the way, we have forgotten that leaders can be-and are-made just about anywhere. Leadership is more that sporting the right degrees, the right experience or knowing the right lingo. Leadership is about knowing what our gifts are and using them-fearlessly-and knowing who God made us to be and living that out-fearlessly. Leadership is a willingness to step out when others huddle back. And if we do it well, if we lead well, we inspire others to follow-or to take their own steps into God’s calling.

Christians need to look no further than the scriptures for confirmation of this. God rarely called the most qualified person. More often than not, it seems he called the least qualified! At least, least qualified according to normal, human standards.

More than one person in history has looked at someone God called to lead and asked “What could she possibly bring to the table?”

I’m going to venture a guess that if you’re in any sort of position of leadership (and really, aren’t we all?), you’ve asked yourself this very same thing. About yourself!

I know that “What do I possibly bring to the table?” has zipped through my brain more times than I can count. But it’s a terrible question-especially when God is calling us forward or when others are affirming our gifts.

I hope that we women, especially, can stop asking this question of one another and of ourselves. Instead of wondering why someone shouldn’t be leading or can’t be leading or isn’t qualified to lead, let’s focus on the reasons someone-no matter how unlikely-is leading. And let’s celebrate every time a less-than-likely person is tapped.

We’re all aware of our own weakness and failings. Let’s help one another celebrate our strengths and potential.

Caryn Rivadeneira is a founding member of the Redbud Writers’ Guild and the author of Grumble Hallelujah. You can connect with her at www.carynrivadeneira.com

So how are you doing?

By Elisa Morgan, Publisher, FullFill

It’s almost halfway through 2012. Well, it’s almost June and once we hit June, I figure we’re about halfway through.

Time to take stock.

How are you doing? With the resolutions you made January 1? With the diet? The budget? The new way to cook and exercise? The designated time with God?

Er...uh...sorry. I don’t want this to be a downer. Really. If you’re like me, there are several little items that you haven’t followed through on. It’s easy to focus on the “less than realities” and overlook the real progress in other areas. So let’s take a minute to do that: evaluate the real progress around us.

Quit scrolling for just a sec and think. In what area have you grown? Have you read more? Been healthier? Consumed less? Prayed more? Take note! And pat yourself on the back. Well done! Celebrate the moment.

For FullFill, we declared two BIG goals and one add-on goal as we entered 2012,

First: raise $20,000 to underwrite FullFill to go to 20,000 women in 2012. (It only costs $1 per woman per year to provide FullFill for FREE to all!) We’re at just over $15,000. Good news!

Second: extend our reach from the 10,000 women we serve to 20,000 in 2012. Well, we’re still about 10,000. BUT we have new relationships with lots of folks that are promising to get the word out to their constituencies.

We had a third, add-on goal - and we’ve made it! For every $10,000 above the $20,000, we committed to publishing a new digizine issue. Between gifts and advertising, we made it and so - TA DA! - you’ve just received a Spring/Summer edition: Friend O Mine. Hope you’re enjoying it! And if you haven’t had a chance to check it out - CLICK HERE for GREAT articles by Tracey Bianchi, Margot Starbuck, Shayne Moore - and MORE!

That’s how we’re doing:

#1: $15,000 out of $20,000.

#2: 10,000 women out of 20,000 women.

#3: DONE and prepping for another $10,000 in order to release a Fall/Winter digizine issue.

Oh, plus hundreds of women attending our 10 webinars. Woo Hoo!

Today, we celebrate YOU. We celebrate your progress in 2012. And we celebrate your investment in FullFill, helping us move toward our goals to empower more women to live out their influence. If God leads you to do more, go for it!

• CLICK HERE to donate.
• CLICK HERE to forward this to a friend to grow more women.
• CLICK HERE to register for one of our four remaining webinars.

Remember, it’s only when we are full ourselves that we can fill others. Live out your influence!

Next Generation Leaders

Cheryl Lee Davis

We leaders, you and I, always want to be learning. Learning about leading means learning about our next generation leaders. It’s been a joy for me to lead these young women and learn from them. It’s been a joy to learn more about their leadership styles. Leading always takes listening and learning. But for Millennial Leaders, this is their sweet spot—it should be ours as well!.

I encourage you to dive in and get to know the generations around you. Spend time listening and learning. Here are a few values that matter to our upcoming generations of leaders:

1. Team - Millennial and GenXers aren't taught to go it alone. Collaboration and teamwork have been part of their schooling and experience. Other generations must bend. Bend toward the many who want influence and a seat at the table. Be genuine. Sincerely engage them. Listen to their ideas and observations. Then accept their input and support them as they implement. Scary? You bet. Your leadership world is about to change!
2. Social - Young leaders today are connected socially at all times. They are on social networking sites by phone, through tablets and computers. These leaders are almost never, NEVER alone, yet they are not with people as much as you might think. When it comes to the workplace, the face to face connection is needed. It's desired. Yes, as a leader today, you are going to have the opportunity to influence your team by sitting with them. They want to know you and see how you operate in life and in your leadership. They want to watch you, your character, and your tenacity when facing life's challenges. So, get ready, they are watching and waiting to connect with you relationally.
3. Real - Leaders today know you are not perfect, so leave your mask at home. Show yourself for who you are: good and bad, strong and weak victorious and bent to temptation. You will trust them with who you are and in turn they will trust you.
4. Flexible -- Leaders today are not singularly focused on what they have been trained or educated to offer through a volunteer role or ministry position. You can (and should) open doors of flexibility in tasks, roles, in forming vision and in brainstorming solutions. Whatever is needed, consider how you might incorporate more flexible thinking and leadership that make room to hear the voices and ideas around you.
5. Work Hard, Play Harder -- We all know a leader who gives up everything for her job. Motivated by job security and advancement, power and the corner office, she lives at the office. The corner office doesn't even exist anymore! Today, leaders don't expect that their job will bring decades-long security. They look for other benefits-more internal value and a job that allows them to live a full life. This includes fun. Today's leader is a hard worker, for sure. But, she also wants space and place to play.
6. Family - Related to the above, family matters and having a job that allows for leaders to be present in family activities is important to Millennial Leaders. Many if not most of our younger leaders experience broken homes and they want to avoid the same. Encourage the leaders around you to spend time with their family. Everyone benefits.  
7. Work Has Meaning -- Leaders today are invested in organizations where the time investment they make has a deeper and long lasting effect beyond the paycheck or job title. Intrinsically, people want to be part of something greater than themselves. This is true for leaders today -- there is a strong connection between the work they offer and their passion and desire to see their world become a better place because of them!

Leadership matters. Our young leaders matter. Your engagement and investment in those around you will have a lasting imprint on their life. Make a difference today.

Cheryl Lee Davis serves as Vice President of Ministry Development with Stonecroft Ministries. She and her family live in Kansas City, Missouri. For more information about how to engage in the lives of women around you, go to www.stonecroft.org.

Finding Strength in Our Weakness

By Jennifer Grant

One of my closest friends is a college theater professor. A few weeks ago, he told me about an acting exercise he uses with his students. It is a "clowning exercise," my friend Mark said. The lesson starts with students identifying a character trait - something specific that they either like or dislike about themselves - and thinking about how they could exaggerate it. That trait would become the focus of the exercise.

A student, for instance, who is overweight or brainy or known to be chatty could choose to embellish one of those traits. My friend tasks his students with writing a short narrative that shows their characters struggling with a now-outsized flaw and then, somehow, addressing it. Last, they present short, three-minute performances during which they must wear a red clown nose.

The talkative student might, for example, come onstage in that red nose prattling away. He then might eat a drippy triple-decker ice cream cone or catch marshmallows in his mouth to quiet himself.

The exercise isn't meant to humiliate or shame the students, but to free them from the firm grasp of their inhibitions and the way they ruthlessly judge themselves. Not only exposing, but also truly exaggerating and poking fun at their imperfections, frees students from the power that those flaws hold over them. They no longer fear others' judgment or being found out. They find strength in exposing their weaknesses.

When I look at my own life and what flaws have shamed me or held me back, my fears and failings as a mother flood my mind. I remember the countless times as a young mom when I had wildly unrealistic expectations for myself and for my children. The way I desperately hoped I'd somehow be able to raise my kids without ever letting them down. The fact that I believed that if I just focused on the fruits of the spirit hard enough, or if I were just spiritually-grounded enough, I'd never lose my temper or misunderstand my kids.

I used to conceal these secret longings to be a perfect mom as well as my shortcomings, but now they comprise the very stories that fill the pages of my books. I write about my parenting journey with its moments of doubt, insecurity, and imperfections. And, yes, sometimes I feel like one of those students on stage, battling embarrassment and inhibition as I clown my most dreaded or secret faults, exaggerating them, opening myself up to criticism or ridicule. At some moments, I am left feeling vulnerable and exposed.

But I'm the better for it.

Because I keep donning that proverbial red foam nose, I take myself less seriously. Increasingly, I look to God, and not to my readers or to other people, for acknowledgment and relationship.

Author Shane Claiborne says one of his favorite prayers is: "God, forgive me for thinking too highly of myself. God, forgive me for thinking too lowly of myself. God, forgive me for thinking of myself so stinkin' much." By exposing what is most flawed about myself, I think about myself less and take myself less seriously. And in exposing my weaknesses, I find strength from a God who loves me as I am.  

Jennifer Grant is the author of two books: Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter (2011) and the recently released MOMumental: Adventures in the Messy Art of Raising a Family. Find her online at jennifergrant.com.

What Women Tell Me: The Need for Connecting in Community

By Anita Lustrea

If you polled a group of women to find out their deepest needs, I can almost guarantee that longing for deeper friendships would rank near the top of their list. A little more than a year ago the radio program I host, Midday Connection, conducted an online survey to determine women’s points of pain. Over 2,300 women responded and, of the macro themes in the survey, relationships were in the top three. As we drilled down to the most common sub-themes of pain, the longing for deeper friendships was number one across all demographic lines. Women are desperate for female friendships and often don’t know how to initiate or develop them.

The fix might seem like a no brainer—go to a women’s ministry meeting at church, join a small group, or take an art class. Go places where women go and get to know them. But unfortunately, it’s not quite that easy. One hindrance to closer relationships is the masks we wear. We are afraid to let others get too close. “Surely they wouldn’t like me if they really knew me,” we often say to ourselves. But we need to move past these thoughts and live into who God created us to be instead of living into the expectations of others (which is often what we choose).

Another barrier is that many of us have been burned by relationships that were choked with too much responsibility, maybe even ones that were co-dependent. Sometimes we’ve not seen friendships modeled for us in our family of origin, or we’ve lost a spouse due to divorce or death and we are afraid to try again. Whatever the reason, we need to pay attention to the risks of living without community. The Harvard Medical School Nurse’s Health study that reported those who had the most friends over a nine year period cut their risk of early death by 60%. Yes, you read that right….60%!

In addition to simply finding friends, however, we need to find safe people to be in community with. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a great grid in their book Safe People.  A safe person, they say, has three characteristics: they draw us closer to God, they draw us closer to others and they draw us closer to our authentic selves.

Here are some practical steps on initiating and developing friendships:

1.      Invite 1 or 2 women to coffee. If they say no, ask someone else.

2.      If you have younger children, invite someone to a play date in a park.

3.      Don’t judge a book by its cover. Get to know someone’s story. You will be blessed and might be missing a gem of a friendship otherwise.

4.      Start praying for God to provide a friend. I’ve talked to countless women who have seen God answer this prayer.

5.      Look for “safe people” and run yourself through that same grid. Are YOU a safe person?

6.      Sometimes when we are desperate for a friend, we “throw up” all over them the first time we get together.  Friendships need to be mutual, and if they are to be a two way street, we need to slowly allow someone to get to know us—not tell all in one sitting. 

We are created for community. We are made in the image of a Trinitarian God. The pursuit of God and the pursuit of friendship go hand in hand. The two greatest impulses of our souls are upward and outward because we simply reflect the design of God. It’s no wonder that we are craving a deeper experience of friendship. And friends are essential to life and growth. Yes, reaching out can be risky, but my guess is that the person you reach out to is also in need of a warm smile and a future friend!

Anita Lustrea is the Executive Producer and Host of Moody Radio’s “Midday Connection”. She has authored, What Women Tell Me, available in the FullFill Store.