by Suzanne Burden
Feeling particularly vulnerable about my childless
status, I posted my thoughts to my blog in the hopes of gaining some support.
The post, “Loving
the Child-free People in Your Church” received
almost 300 views in 36 hours. Comments poured in from Christian women who were
childless by choice or circumstance.
However, as ostracized as I and many women feel
living child-free in the Church, our culture also marginalizes women without
children. Time magazine recently
featured a cover touting “The Child-Free Life.”
The writer, Lauren Sandler, asked this question on CBS News: “What is an adult
woman if she’s not a mother?”
In my opinion, the Church should be taking the
lead in answering this question. Why, then, aren’t we? Is a follower of Jesus supposed to pursue parenthood at any cost? Would
our financial, emotional and spiritual resources be better invested elsewhere?
And is it possible, in an attempt to preserve the nuclear family, that the
Church of Jesus has made an idol out of parenthood?
I ask these questions not because I want to, but
because I must. After facing several years of infertility and little hope from
the adoption agency we have chosen, I am child-free at age 40. Others who sit
in a church pew each Sunday may not have children by choice. Many of the single
and married among us long to be parents but believe that dream will never be
fulfilled.
Allow me to be blunt for a moment. If those
without children aren’t included at your church, if they are not welcomed and
celebrated, if they are not a vital part of your services and community, then
Jesus himself wouldn’t be welcome in your church. Jesus himself did not have children. He gave us the double-love command: to love
the Lord our God with everything in us and to love our neighbor as ourselves.
He also asked us to make disciples, teaching them to observe his ways. None of
these instructions require parenting, though they can. They simply involve
faithfulness.
I don’t feel like giving up on Jesus, but I have
often felt squeezed out of His Church. Here are some ways we might love those
without children:
• Assume
nothing. Don’t ask if newcomers have kids or if they want kids, but get to
know them as people.
• Let
them know you see them. Visit
with those without children and ask them to tell their stories; honor their journey.
If they are struggling, listen and ask “How can I encourage you in this?”
•
Make room for them.
Does your programming immediately ostracize the childless person? How about Mother’s
Day and Father’s Day observances? How does your church bring together everyone
from the oldest to the youngest, the family with the quiver-full and the person
who attends church alone? In my humble opinion, how you answer that question
can be a great indicator of the health of your church community.
Suzanne Burden holds an MA in Theological
Studies and can be found blogging at the intersection of beauty and theology at
suzanneburden.com.
She writes and edits for a variety of organizations and coauthored the upcoming
book Reclaiming Eve:
the Identity and Calling of Women in the Kingdom of God (Beacon Hill Press, March 2014).
Wow! Well said. Much needed. Incredibly affirming! Thank you! I was just having this conversation with a co-worker the other day. I work in an organization filled with mothers. New staff introductions always include "wife of ___, mother of ____ and ____ (with ages given)..." and their story of how they became intimately aware of the organziation through some experience as a mother. I find that I introduce myself at these opportunities as the "single, non-wife, non-mom who is not sure how I wound up here but that I have a passion for women to grow in their faith."
ReplyDeleteMy intro was recently pointed out as a negative view of myself. I guess it is...perhaps. OR perhaps it just an accurate view that makes others a bit skirmish. My response to my friend re this particular insight was "It just seems that as children of the living God, we should be able to find things to talk about besides marriage and family." I mean, I respect and honor motherhood. I've longed for it my whole life. But as a single, never-married, 53 yr old female, I've found joy and fulfillment in so many ways. But, my loneliest day of the week is Sunday. And those awkward intros to new employees. :)
Oh, anonymous, you are not 'non-s". And I feel you on the Sunday thing. What brings you joy? Whatever it is, seems like a great way to start describing yourself.
DeleteThank you, Suzanne, for addressing this important issue. In our church, we seek to celebrate those who can't have children. But we find it easier to celebrate those who can't have children and serve in Christian ministry or education (the people they impact are their "children," so to speak). It's much harder to celebrate those who can't have children and extend the Kingdom of God in business and other "secular" endeavors. The problem, of course, is our whole "secular"/"sacred" divide, which we keep trying to tear down. That said, we still haven't found ways to celebrate the latter group. I look forward to seeing what you have to say in your forthcoming book. It's much needed!
ReplyDeleteDavid: I love the thoughtfulness you seem to be putting into this issue. Will I see you over on my blog? Would love to have you join the conversation.
DeleteSo glad to see this topic covered in a comprehensive, albeit short, column! From one child-less woman to another, isn't it great that the Lord, and the Lord alone, is the one we draw our worth from! Your example of Jesus as being childless is very good. An example we've used as we share our story, is that God has plans that are very often far different than the plans we had for our life. We gave our dream of having one child to the Lord, and He in turn replaced that desire with 21 nieces and nephews! And we worked in children's ministry, at our local church, where we had impact on hundreds of children's lives. And I work at a children's ministry where we reach millions of children each week. Now isn't that better than our dream of pouring our life and resources into our one child? God's plans are always better - if only we let Him show us His plans.
ReplyDeleteYou've found your joy, haven't you? Just in an unexpected place. :) Check out this post: http://suzanneburden.com/dear-church-what-is-a-woman-if-she-is-not-a-mother/
DeleteI attended a church that seemed to value young singles. Although there were a lot of mothers and children, there were no Mom's groups or Women's Bible studies that offered childcare. I've checked out other churches and it seems like all the mothers in this city are career women who don't have time for friends. Motherhood has been a very lonely experience for me.
ReplyDeleteYou're not the first women to share this. Loneliness is no respecter of persons or parenting status, for sure.
DeleteThank you for schooling us.
ReplyDelete:) You always make me smile.
DeleteMy heart fills with joy as I see this subject addressed in something so "every day" for thousands of people to read. I am 44 years old, and have gone through years of infertility in my 30's. The Lord has given my husband and I such a new perspective, and we are filled to the brim with 25 nieces and nephews, and many more children to pour our lives into. What a joy it has been to help lead and guide them to a personal relationship with our loving Father. We no longer feel we live with less abundance because we never bore our "own" children, but unfortunately, this was something the Lord alone helped us through. Not one person from our church family was able to encourage us in the way your article has. I am encouraged because I know there are many out there who need to hear that being "childless" does not make you less of a person. It does not give you a "lower" status as a human being, as a female, as a wife. Please post more for those who are believing the lies and have found no encouragement from any one else.
ReplyDeletehttp://suzanneburden.com/dear-church-what-is-a-woman-if-she-is-not-a-mother/
DeleteOh, yes... after 2o years plus trying to fit into "The Church" as a never married, happily single woman with no children, the pain of constantly being ostracized became just to much for me. "The Church" is not a place of social comfort/care for single women and I really have my doubts that it ever will be...I have found no solutions. For me...I left...so many will say I didn't have enough faith/strength/prayer life...maybe so...but I am sorry for others enduring the same pain, but as was mentioned in the article there is no moral/social life outside the church either. We are fated as those who belong to Christ to solitude, acceptance is always the first step in decreasing the pain, but don't expect it to fully go away. Our cross to bear??????? Sometimes God doesn't change situations in this life.
ReplyDeleteOh, anonymous. So sorry for your pain. I'm glad that how God thinks of us trumps the ways in which we are treated. You truly are His Beloved, no matter what anyone says.
DeleteEven as a married woman without children ... I've been one of three women who had outside-the-home jobs in an entire congregation (the other two had kids). My husband and I have been shunted, since the ripe age of 42, to "empty-nest" Bible studies filled with grandparents because where else would adults without children at home fit? It's not just about sacred/secular divide, and it's not just about adulation of the nuclear family, although that's a big part. We have stopped understanding that the people of God are supposed to be God's family. We've let marketing experts tell us that "churches" grow when we organize them by homogeneous units of married people with young kids, singles, and so on, and fail to ask ourselves if what we're growing is actually a church or something else entirely.
ReplyDeleteOh, YES.
DeleteIt is very hard to understand a church that would feel someone who does not have children is less then a true Christian, woman, child of God...
ReplyDeletealthough i have been a member of a church such as that at one time in my life, and left because of many other reasons... I wonder why we find it hard to accept the fact that God is in charge of our lives, it is His design we are meant to live out, each day, new in His strength. Our paths are set by His Hand... I think a believer's personal relationship with Christ is the most important thing in a Christian's life. How we grow and mature and live out His will for our lives, by His grace, is our work... assembling together is very important and corporate worship is key in encouraging and lifting up our fellow believers, and we should strive to live a life patterned after Christ's life and not after a man's (or woman's) idea of what a Christian should look like. Sometimes our paths are difficult and painful to our human heart but then He brings peace as we see the His love is the most important thing. it will heal us and make us whole like nothing else ever will...
I could write a book on this one, as I have been treated as an outcaste and then others have loved me and shared their children with me, what a blessing they were. I would get the usual question, how many children do you have, or when do you plan to start, straight back I would say, I am unable to have kids. The blank look, the I have nothing else to say look, the you are a freak look, you must have really sinned look, saw all of them and many more, the what would you know comment, you don't have kids. EEKKK>>>> that one really hurt. It will be with me until I die, I wish I had been able to have at least one child but God said no for a reason and I sometimes I get a glimpse of that reason, the pain is always there in my heart as I have always wanted children or to work with them, which God did allow. He has blessed me in so many other ways, I see other's kids go off the rails, do dreadful things and say things so horrible that I think well Lord you did spare me all that heartache....reach out to those who don't have kids, they make great baby sitters, great friends have they have more time and probably know more about children than you do as they have wanted one for so long!! And yepppp....my Lord had no children yet look at what he achieved, same with many other great servants of the Lord.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. My husband and I are late bloomers and married at in our early 50s. It was a non-issue to choose to not have children. As singles we were able to connect in church singles groups, but as marrieds, we are finding it harder to find our place since we don't have children.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this very thought provoking message. As a Bible study small group leader, I recently began to feel convicted that we NOT introduce ourselves as "wife of", and "mother to"... You have helped me see better how uncomfortable this might be to many women and even more importantly, that we are all more than the labels we so easily use to identify ourselves.
ReplyDelete